Peace of Mind

*Written May 13th 2009


Exhausted. Last night I hardly slept because of all of the thoughts and decisions clashing in my head, but after I finished writing my journal entry in the early morning I was finally able to have some peace of mind. I am unsure whether the peace came from letting out all of the building thoughts or if it was because I was forced to carefully think all of it out from more than one angle. Whatever it was, it was my savior and continues to be tonight. Things seemed to calm down in my head and heart, I know I am still hurt and unsure but now I feel like I can live and breathe again. I came close having full blown panic attacks the last day so this healing step was so unexpected and welcomed that it overwhelms me.

Despite the fact I was able to calm down some of my thoughts, talking to Ty on his way to work brought them stirring back up but they weren’t as harsh. My morning I was calm even through the bad thoughts and stomach cramps, maybe it was pure exhaustion but I really think it was my heart forcing my head to let things heal. I told Ty that I wanted him to email me his feelings, because I felt that if we were going to overcome this fully that he had to put everything on the table to heal before just trying to bury it. Not giving the situation a full understanding and its own time, will just perpetually raise its ugly head up out of its shallow grave until it’s presence becomes too much. This is what neither of us wants; we want this relationship to thrive like it did before and in order to do that we need to do this the right way. He must have agreed or at least agreed that it was what I needed because he wrote me one of the most venerable, emotional words from the heart, I have ever heard him speak or write...in fact that is the first time i have ever really had him open up to me on that level. Maybe we just need some time and things will be stronger...