Give me peace...give me sleep

**Written Wednesday January 20, 2010

The last few days have gone by in a slow continual pace that is aggravating. I have been waiting on this moment for over a year and now that it is almost here I just want to speed up time to give my mind some peace. I haven’t been sleeping much at all but then there are some days I cannot even seem to make myself wake up. It is so hard to wake up but even harder to go back to bed; my body is constantly fighting with what it needs to do. I have had insomnia before and I eventually got myself into a good sleeping pattern, all of a sudden I have seemed to have lost it. I am hoping that once Ty and I are fully moved in falling asleep in his arms will calm me down enough to relax and dream some beautiful dreams.
I find immense comfort in his big strong arms; they make me feel safe and loved. Like I am hidden away from all the evils of the world and can allow myself to be vulnerable…the kisses on the back of the neck he gives me seem to be the touch I have longed for in all my years. It is such a delicate and romantic touch that I feel he does out of the love he has for me. One time when we were falling asleep I asked him to tell me something wonderful to help me sleep, he told me he loved the way I reacted to his neck kisses because he could tell how loved they made me feel but also how much I loved him.
We sleep twisted around each other, touching in as many places as we can, it is something natural we have done since the first night we have been together. Its hard to describe how wonderful it feels to want another individual that close to you, breathing in the same dreams you breathe out and placing a small kiss on your face whenever they wake up in the middle of the night. I am so comforted by this ritual of going to bed that I will immediately find myself falling down the rabbit hole.
However in the last five months we have been living separately through our issues and break up and we have only had a handful of nights spent in each other’s arms. I believe it will be second nature again to just fall right back into sleep with him…I am hoping. Also I believe this stress will erase itself and we will both be able to distress. You have no idea how much I long for this right now…


"I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms"
- Snow Patrol "Set the fire to the third bar"

***Written January 13th 2010

Many people have asked if i think its a wise decision moving in with Ty and i have to say i truly feel it is. Ty is at a point where he finally is putting all the barriers and bullshit aside. Before our relationship only went as far as he wanted it to because of how things were with Sara (his ex wife). When me and Ty first met he told me he didn't think he would ever get married again. Every time Ty started to know he would have to commit he rebelled doing things and tried not love me because loving me meant being vulnerable and being able to be hurt. He has told me twice in the last week he has never given anyone this much control and paying attention to needs as he is me and in the past Sara. When he tells me i can hear it in his voice that he is scared but he is FINALLY making that jump. He initiated us getting a house together and he has continually trying to take care of me and my emotions. Things are different and seem more relaxed in the relationship as a whole. Although these last couple of weeks there has been quite a bit of fighting about the move...more or so that the stress gets to the point we start freaking out on each other because we are both scared shitless. We both want this move and definitely feel its time but there is so much to do it can be a stress overload. He came down over the weekend and all we could talk about was the house, laying in my bed saying "i wish we were at our house right now and this didn't have to end". Its wonderful, i just hope the first two months don't kill us too bad.

Reaching to higher ground

***Written January6th 2010

Well its official: me and Ty got the townhouse and are looking to be moved in by the end of the month but shooting on the weekend of the 23rd. I have to admit i am scared shitless, we have lived together before but it was different and i am not sure how to explain it. Mostly we won't be under the umbrella of his very controlling and manipulating mother which i must say is a huge sigh of relief. I don't doubt that this move is not only long over due but going to strengthen our relationship. Its ironic though to think this is something i wanted for so long when Ty's heart wasn't really into and now the roles have reversed and Ty is the one making all the frantic efforts to make things perfect and i am just reassessing if i am ready for this now. It has nothing to do with not wanting to live with him and starting a family its more of the fact that all of sudden i am getting what i have been wishing for and is he finally ready for it? My biggest fear would be to either have our relationship fall apart due to financial stress or him realizing he wasn't ready for the next step...i would hate to think of this as his last stitch effort to fix all that he has made wrong in this relationship because he knows its what i want. Before his mom was ALWAYS around checking up on us, throwing rules around and treating Kaylea (Ty's daughter) as though she was the mother and then pawning her off when she didn't want the headache...it was so bad she wouldn't let Ty take Kaylea to her first day of kindergarten and he just let her because he didn't want to deal with her. Through all of that and then being gone for sometimes 3-4nights a week even though i lived there it wasn't a permanent thing i guess. Now i will be stepping into the shoes of a "mother" full-time, a house "wife" full-time...spending every night laying next to him. Things before that were out of the question with him due to not being ready is all of a sudden something he is excited about, moving in to somewhere his mother doesn't control, getting a joint bank account, and signing a lease together. You wouldn't believe how big of a difference it is, and i realized how we were living before was ok with him because there was no commitment to me...and now its all there. It makes me scared because two months ago he was ready to end this relationship and then after a week of being single is ready to turn his life around and make some major decisions, it amazes me and makes me excited but it also makes me hesitant. Its like walking on a frozen pond hoping its thick enough ice to hold your weight, it would make your life easier but is it the right direction to go? I know its what i want and i am going to go for it but i am scared, i figure that if this relationship is going to end over anything at least i went out fighting for what i wanted and believed in.

"I will buy you a new life...perfect shiny and new"

***Written December 21st 2009

i have re-fallen in love with Ty like i felt when we first got together. Its been hard in the trust department but i keep thinking maybe that break was what it finally took for both of us to straighten up (in different aspects of course)and go after what we want, which is the relationship to be a happy one and an honest one. We have been spending quite a lot more time as a family and appreciating the time that we do get to see of each other. Calls and communication are more frequent and not so forced as it was towards the end of our relationship. Life seems to be coming together smoothly and with more of a solid foundation.

As of currently, Ty and i have decided to move back together in January as soon as the townhouse we have decided on is finished being remodeled. That could be as early as January first and as late as the third week of January, seems kinda scary to be making that leap again but i know its what i want. Last time we ended up moving in together out of his mother pressuring us together but she was always there. Now we finally be moving out together in a new place for all three of us (me, Ty, and his daughter Kaylea). His mother will not be allowed at the house unless we decide to invite her which believe me, will not be often on both of our behalves. Ty is the one pushing for the move in and at least now i really feel like he wants to make a family together instead of him just having a girlfriend live with him. He has also talked about engagement and a kid as a fairly (1-2 years) near goal. This is exactly the opposite of how he truly felt before hand. I used to have to pry out things from him and that maybe he said before because i wanted to hear it, now this is all stuff he now talks openly in front of friends and family and gets excited about on his own. Its hard to describe the difference...

Beginning of the end, or the end of a beginning?

***Written November 2nd 2009

After taking a week of breaking down constantly and wondering why, i got a call...it was Ty. I expected him to be vicious and mean or that he was even trying to call another girl and accidentally called me, it was two in the morning and i was still at a Halloween party. He told me he wanted the chance to try and make it work, that he wanted to see me the next day. So i went yesterday and we talked and it seems that maybe this break up and away time made him realize he had what he wants. Maybe this time things will work, and if it doesn't i now know i am strong enough to heal and move on.

Our first date took place next to the river: its where we had our first picnic, our first kiss, our first time looking at the stars... Its where we broke up and re-began...

The End

***Written October 25th 2009

So after a year and almost a half of dedicating myself to one man and one man only, being cheated on three times and just being through hell it is finally over. And despite how much pain he put me through there was so much good that is just haunting me right now. I miss him and i feel almost frantic without him but somewhere i have to tell myself i will be ok. Its hard when virtually any place or anything i own reminds me of him, i can't even go to work without people asking me about him. They all got to know him and seeing us together. My favorite places are now tainted with those memories with him. He still sleeps on my bed that i haven't picked up from his house yet....

I was still going to take him back after finding out he just started talking to another woman, we were making it work and then all of a sudden yesterday he takes me out for breakfast and told me he doesn't think we are good for each other for the fact we bring out the bad in each other. Maybe it brought out the bad in him but i was happy for a really long time. He broke down crying the whole time telling me he wanted us but he didn't think it would work. He apologized so much for hurting me, and that made everything hurt even more. Right now i am a wreck.

*Written May 17th 2009


Where do I even begin to describe how I have felt the last couple of days, I went through a huge cascade of emotions in the last week but right now I feel content. I feel optimistic. I feel scared. But I feel happy.
Friday I came back home a nervous wreck, I know that I had missed Ty but for some reason I was worried everything would be awkward and that he might have even decided that our relationship wasn’t worth it. That maybe he was interested and talking with another girl, all night I stayed awake wondering if he was calling some other girl and falling asleep talking to her instead. It is not logical but being as scared as I am it wasn’t a stretch in my mind. How many nights did he message me while he was talking to another girl? Regardless of the thoughts my mind seems to like to dwell on, everything calmed down the minute I saw him Friday. I heard him pull into the driveway and the whole time I kept thinking about every bad thing imaginable, that maybe I should not start packing for the beach but pack to leave. As soon as he came up the stairs I turned my back from the door so I wouldn’t be looking at him when he walked in, I could feel his presence next to me, and there I was turning around to seeing his small beautiful smile. He held me close and looked deep in my eyes, I felt that he had really missed me the last couple of days and that maybe he went through just as bad of a time as I did trying to think everything out. Maybe he even had the same worries I did before he saw me? I practically melted on how he held me; it felt so good to be in his arms again being held tight like that like when we first met…I had butterflies racing around making my heart try to catch up with them. It was a hug, a simple hug but it told me a lot, made me feel a lot of things…mainly it verified I had made the right decision.

Saturday, was the day that did the most healing. The morning started being awoken to Ty kissing me, getting out of bed and then telling me to hurry and get dressed. Groggy, still tired but excited for whatever the day would bring I got out of bed even though I was wishing he would come back and make love to me while the sunshine was filtering through the slates in the blinds. It was going to be a beautiful day outside but I wanted to stay in that bed and be awoken to millions of kisses, I barely ever sleep longer than him and is it so wrong of me to have wanted that romantic moment as soon as I opened my eyes? He was making me coffee, well that’s not entirely true, he couldn’t find the coffee so he attempted to make this hot chocolate but then found the coffee later. As coffee was brewing somehow we ended back in the bedroom and he was making love to me. We went back outside and drank our coffee in the sunshine and that was the beginning of our day, not perfect but definitely one of our better mornings.

Afterward, he asked if I wanted to walk the beach, I love the beach and to me the beach is a special spot that is in a sense “ours” in my heart. We walked about a mile on the beach which brought us into town and he asked if I would like to get some breakfast with him. I thought this was cute because the way he smiled at me made me think that maybe he had planned this, maybe not but regardless it was really nice. We spent the rest of the day having sex and just spending time together, at one point we stopped into Tillamook to get supplies for our night. I was really excited because I constantly told him how much it would mean to me if we did certain things…

On the beach, Ty started a bonfire and we sat around it drink our Seven Hills Riesling just enjoying each others company, although I can honestly say I felt second to the fire…he kept going and fiddling with it so it took him almost an hour to actually sit down next to me. When the sun started to go down everything changed into this cloudy but beautiful pink sunset so we could watch as it set. I was sitting on a log by our fire enjoying it when Ty came behind me and held me tight…it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and experienced in my life. At that point I started to feel like everything would be ok with us. In most literature you read a journey usually starts the sea or ends there with a sense of fulfillment and understanding, salvation of sorts. I think that maybe ours was both, maybe it was the end of our relationship how it was before but it was the beginning of a new one, a better one. Call me a hopeless romantic or a foolish dreamer but every moment of that sunset seemed to make my decision to stay something I would not regret.

Soon Ty and I were left there in the dark around the fire, moving on to our second bottle of wine a piece when I couldn’t get the thought of grabbing a seashell and branding myself with it. Maybe it was to wake me up from this dream like state or maybe it was because I wanted to show I was committed to my decision, maybe it was I need him to commit a scar on his body for me…or maybe there was just too much intoxicating wine in my head. Thinking back on it I think it was all of the above and maybe even more…when I finally told him what was on my head I was shocked to hear that he thought we should both do it, on the inside of our left ankles (for the hand of marriage) right on the ankle bone. Him saying it and even using the side to signify marriage was almost too much for me, I figured he must really not be scared now because this was him committing to something…wasn’t the talk of marriage that got us here in the first place? Regardless we branded each other more than once, I moved when he branded me so I have a very large burn and will most likely scar in three of the four places he branded me. I only branded him twice, trying to hold down instead of dragging the shell, which I wish I would have done now because I feel he should have just as bad of a scar as I do. He may scar in one if not both of the brands but they just blistered instead of burning away layers of skin like mine. I am shocked that we did it, I still look at it today and wonder how I ever had the nerve to say it but then do it. At one point Ty asked me if I regretted it and I don’t…I may some day but I really don’t think that is true either. I gave Ty a piece of my flesh that night, I let him burn me which is one of my biggest fears…I let myself trust him in more than that aspect, I gave him trust that this is something that will be part of our future and not a scar I will regret someday. I am actually proud of myself, not just because of the brand and giving him trust he may or may not deserve but also giving this relationship so much of me. It feels like freedom to know I have done everything I can and that maybe this relationship is not fully in my hands like I used to, I used to think I could stop him from cheating and needing other women. Knowing I am only responsible for myself has made things easier in a sense…it hurts less to know I couldn’t stop what happened.

The next morning I woke up early to sunshine again, my head pounded and my ankle was on fire but I was happy. There lying next to me was the man I love suffering and sweating in the hot bedroom just like I was with half his body twined around mine. Although it was unpleasant it was also perfect, it made me realize that our relationship isn’t just me in a dream with a man i used to hold up like a god in my eyes…he was always so perfect and beautiful and now I saw a man who although is still beautiful…he is human. So given our current situation our morning wasn’t as story book romantic as it was the morning before, but it had something about it that was still just right, not overwhelming and not underwhelming but in the happy medium. We ate breakfast at the one corner cafe we have always made sure to go to at least one morning during our stay, Cow Belle Cafe. The cafe is not really much to look at, mismatched furniture a little out of date but it feels warm, cozy and familiar. The food is always wonderful and we always have the same waitress or her husband that remember and take care of us. It makes us feel like locals down there, it makes me feel welcome there. After breakfast I convinced Ty to grab a blanket and lay out on the beach with me, it was a gray misty morning, and there was hardly anyone on the beach. At first he didn’t seem to enjoy it for fear of how we would look, me being persistent to have another first together for the both of us made him lay with me. After we got settled on the warm sand and he was holding me I think he realized just how wonderful it was. While we laid there he teased me which I know is a sign of happiness for him and kissed looking into each other eyes until I started to get cold. I wanted to go back but he wanted to stay so he wrapped me up in his sweater and tried to warm me…at that moment I would have done anything to have a blanket in which we could have covered ourselves up and made love right there on the beach. One of my biggest dreams is that someday I will be made love to on the beach, I guess when the time is right it will happen.

Finally I was too cold that Ty held my hand as we walked back home together, talking about how enjoyable it was to lay on the beach with no one around, just the two of us. In the house he lit the candles I had bought for the weekend, turned the heater so I was warm and had me lay naked on the bed. He was planning to give me a massage with the new massage oil but things led into making love again and falling asleep in each other arms. It was one of those midday naps that you wake up feeling so refreshed and loved that you just want to close your eyes and do it again. It was wonderful..

Hours later we were driving back home even though we both did not want to leave, he had said he didn’t want to go home tonight and I admitted I wished he would call in work so we could have one more night of this perfectness. Unfortunately reality took hold and we understood as nice as that would be we just couldn’t. That night at home however, he did give me that massage he promised. To sum up the weekend it wasn’t anything like I planned, there are things I would have really liked to have happened but I think what we did have was beautiful and wonderful..things felt like they did in the beginning when were we so into each other that we couldn’t our hands off each other which I needed. I needed to feel wanted, that was one of the hard things about what happen between him and Elizabeth was that I didn’t feel needed or wanted anymore…that I was getting old and tiring and that it was time for him to move on…