*Written May 17th 2009


Where do I even begin to describe how I have felt the last couple of days, I went through a huge cascade of emotions in the last week but right now I feel content. I feel optimistic. I feel scared. But I feel happy.
Friday I came back home a nervous wreck, I know that I had missed Ty but for some reason I was worried everything would be awkward and that he might have even decided that our relationship wasn’t worth it. That maybe he was interested and talking with another girl, all night I stayed awake wondering if he was calling some other girl and falling asleep talking to her instead. It is not logical but being as scared as I am it wasn’t a stretch in my mind. How many nights did he message me while he was talking to another girl? Regardless of the thoughts my mind seems to like to dwell on, everything calmed down the minute I saw him Friday. I heard him pull into the driveway and the whole time I kept thinking about every bad thing imaginable, that maybe I should not start packing for the beach but pack to leave. As soon as he came up the stairs I turned my back from the door so I wouldn’t be looking at him when he walked in, I could feel his presence next to me, and there I was turning around to seeing his small beautiful smile. He held me close and looked deep in my eyes, I felt that he had really missed me the last couple of days and that maybe he went through just as bad of a time as I did trying to think everything out. Maybe he even had the same worries I did before he saw me? I practically melted on how he held me; it felt so good to be in his arms again being held tight like that like when we first met…I had butterflies racing around making my heart try to catch up with them. It was a hug, a simple hug but it told me a lot, made me feel a lot of things…mainly it verified I had made the right decision.

Saturday, was the day that did the most healing. The morning started being awoken to Ty kissing me, getting out of bed and then telling me to hurry and get dressed. Groggy, still tired but excited for whatever the day would bring I got out of bed even though I was wishing he would come back and make love to me while the sunshine was filtering through the slates in the blinds. It was going to be a beautiful day outside but I wanted to stay in that bed and be awoken to millions of kisses, I barely ever sleep longer than him and is it so wrong of me to have wanted that romantic moment as soon as I opened my eyes? He was making me coffee, well that’s not entirely true, he couldn’t find the coffee so he attempted to make this hot chocolate but then found the coffee later. As coffee was brewing somehow we ended back in the bedroom and he was making love to me. We went back outside and drank our coffee in the sunshine and that was the beginning of our day, not perfect but definitely one of our better mornings.

Afterward, he asked if I wanted to walk the beach, I love the beach and to me the beach is a special spot that is in a sense “ours” in my heart. We walked about a mile on the beach which brought us into town and he asked if I would like to get some breakfast with him. I thought this was cute because the way he smiled at me made me think that maybe he had planned this, maybe not but regardless it was really nice. We spent the rest of the day having sex and just spending time together, at one point we stopped into Tillamook to get supplies for our night. I was really excited because I constantly told him how much it would mean to me if we did certain things…

On the beach, Ty started a bonfire and we sat around it drink our Seven Hills Riesling just enjoying each others company, although I can honestly say I felt second to the fire…he kept going and fiddling with it so it took him almost an hour to actually sit down next to me. When the sun started to go down everything changed into this cloudy but beautiful pink sunset so we could watch as it set. I was sitting on a log by our fire enjoying it when Ty came behind me and held me tight…it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and experienced in my life. At that point I started to feel like everything would be ok with us. In most literature you read a journey usually starts the sea or ends there with a sense of fulfillment and understanding, salvation of sorts. I think that maybe ours was both, maybe it was the end of our relationship how it was before but it was the beginning of a new one, a better one. Call me a hopeless romantic or a foolish dreamer but every moment of that sunset seemed to make my decision to stay something I would not regret.

Soon Ty and I were left there in the dark around the fire, moving on to our second bottle of wine a piece when I couldn’t get the thought of grabbing a seashell and branding myself with it. Maybe it was to wake me up from this dream like state or maybe it was because I wanted to show I was committed to my decision, maybe it was I need him to commit a scar on his body for me…or maybe there was just too much intoxicating wine in my head. Thinking back on it I think it was all of the above and maybe even more…when I finally told him what was on my head I was shocked to hear that he thought we should both do it, on the inside of our left ankles (for the hand of marriage) right on the ankle bone. Him saying it and even using the side to signify marriage was almost too much for me, I figured he must really not be scared now because this was him committing to something…wasn’t the talk of marriage that got us here in the first place? Regardless we branded each other more than once, I moved when he branded me so I have a very large burn and will most likely scar in three of the four places he branded me. I only branded him twice, trying to hold down instead of dragging the shell, which I wish I would have done now because I feel he should have just as bad of a scar as I do. He may scar in one if not both of the brands but they just blistered instead of burning away layers of skin like mine. I am shocked that we did it, I still look at it today and wonder how I ever had the nerve to say it but then do it. At one point Ty asked me if I regretted it and I don’t…I may some day but I really don’t think that is true either. I gave Ty a piece of my flesh that night, I let him burn me which is one of my biggest fears…I let myself trust him in more than that aspect, I gave him trust that this is something that will be part of our future and not a scar I will regret someday. I am actually proud of myself, not just because of the brand and giving him trust he may or may not deserve but also giving this relationship so much of me. It feels like freedom to know I have done everything I can and that maybe this relationship is not fully in my hands like I used to, I used to think I could stop him from cheating and needing other women. Knowing I am only responsible for myself has made things easier in a sense…it hurts less to know I couldn’t stop what happened.

The next morning I woke up early to sunshine again, my head pounded and my ankle was on fire but I was happy. There lying next to me was the man I love suffering and sweating in the hot bedroom just like I was with half his body twined around mine. Although it was unpleasant it was also perfect, it made me realize that our relationship isn’t just me in a dream with a man i used to hold up like a god in my eyes…he was always so perfect and beautiful and now I saw a man who although is still beautiful…he is human. So given our current situation our morning wasn’t as story book romantic as it was the morning before, but it had something about it that was still just right, not overwhelming and not underwhelming but in the happy medium. We ate breakfast at the one corner cafe we have always made sure to go to at least one morning during our stay, Cow Belle Cafe. The cafe is not really much to look at, mismatched furniture a little out of date but it feels warm, cozy and familiar. The food is always wonderful and we always have the same waitress or her husband that remember and take care of us. It makes us feel like locals down there, it makes me feel welcome there. After breakfast I convinced Ty to grab a blanket and lay out on the beach with me, it was a gray misty morning, and there was hardly anyone on the beach. At first he didn’t seem to enjoy it for fear of how we would look, me being persistent to have another first together for the both of us made him lay with me. After we got settled on the warm sand and he was holding me I think he realized just how wonderful it was. While we laid there he teased me which I know is a sign of happiness for him and kissed looking into each other eyes until I started to get cold. I wanted to go back but he wanted to stay so he wrapped me up in his sweater and tried to warm me…at that moment I would have done anything to have a blanket in which we could have covered ourselves up and made love right there on the beach. One of my biggest dreams is that someday I will be made love to on the beach, I guess when the time is right it will happen.

Finally I was too cold that Ty held my hand as we walked back home together, talking about how enjoyable it was to lay on the beach with no one around, just the two of us. In the house he lit the candles I had bought for the weekend, turned the heater so I was warm and had me lay naked on the bed. He was planning to give me a massage with the new massage oil but things led into making love again and falling asleep in each other arms. It was one of those midday naps that you wake up feeling so refreshed and loved that you just want to close your eyes and do it again. It was wonderful..

Hours later we were driving back home even though we both did not want to leave, he had said he didn’t want to go home tonight and I admitted I wished he would call in work so we could have one more night of this perfectness. Unfortunately reality took hold and we understood as nice as that would be we just couldn’t. That night at home however, he did give me that massage he promised. To sum up the weekend it wasn’t anything like I planned, there are things I would have really liked to have happened but I think what we did have was beautiful and wonderful..things felt like they did in the beginning when were we so into each other that we couldn’t our hands off each other which I needed. I needed to feel wanted, that was one of the hard things about what happen between him and Elizabeth was that I didn’t feel needed or wanted anymore…that I was getting old and tiring and that it was time for him to move on…

Peace of Mind

*Written May 13th 2009


Exhausted. Last night I hardly slept because of all of the thoughts and decisions clashing in my head, but after I finished writing my journal entry in the early morning I was finally able to have some peace of mind. I am unsure whether the peace came from letting out all of the building thoughts or if it was because I was forced to carefully think all of it out from more than one angle. Whatever it was, it was my savior and continues to be tonight. Things seemed to calm down in my head and heart, I know I am still hurt and unsure but now I feel like I can live and breathe again. I came close having full blown panic attacks the last day so this healing step was so unexpected and welcomed that it overwhelms me.

Despite the fact I was able to calm down some of my thoughts, talking to Ty on his way to work brought them stirring back up but they weren’t as harsh. My morning I was calm even through the bad thoughts and stomach cramps, maybe it was pure exhaustion but I really think it was my heart forcing my head to let things heal. I told Ty that I wanted him to email me his feelings, because I felt that if we were going to overcome this fully that he had to put everything on the table to heal before just trying to bury it. Not giving the situation a full understanding and its own time, will just perpetually raise its ugly head up out of its shallow grave until it’s presence becomes too much. This is what neither of us wants; we want this relationship to thrive like it did before and in order to do that we need to do this the right way. He must have agreed or at least agreed that it was what I needed because he wrote me one of the most venerable, emotional words from the heart, I have ever heard him speak or write...in fact that is the first time i have ever really had him open up to me on that level. Maybe we just need some time and things will be stronger...

Exposure

*Written May 11th, 2009


Last night was a night to never be forgotten in the history of my heart. A night I was presented with my fears coming true and the decisions to what was left…what was to be. It is a weight that I have had looming behind my thoughts-- sometimes striking the surface of consciousness to be resubmerged into denial before finally making itself apparent as a full truth to do its damage. I cannot say my heart is broken because that is not harsh enough of a word to describe what I am feeling. It is like a glass that has been crushed and refused back together several times, where some pieces are fully lost but what you are left with is a mangled glass you can barely call as glass. It still exists but it is no longer what it once was before, so different in this transformation it has become indescribable. Everything dwelling in my heart as what was familiar and what I thought of as being true is now all in question, even the person I have become in this relationship is being questioned. All the thoughts running through my head are suffocating and intoxicating in their own horrible sense, bringing me crashing down on my knees. The substance between all of these thoughts is, why?

In all my jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions I blame myself somewhere inside, somewhere that hits home. Maybe it is out of habit from my past, maybe it my lack of control and understanding on the situation but it sits there heavy and festers. My thoughts of anger and hurt mock my once sweet notions of love and I despise myself for how disgustingly I gave Ty my world and shared with him my joys. I gave those things, everything, open and honestly with the only intentions of making him happy and making him see he was loved. Yet, he still felt the need while I held up everything to him, for something more—someone more. I know no one can ever change what he has done, but how do I cope with knowing I wasn’t enough? Or cope with the fact I may have been the person pushing him to those extremes because I scared him with my talk of marriage and the future. How do I presume? What role do I play in this relationship? How do I act? How do I love…

I blame Ty mostly, something inside of me will not accept it is fully my fault if mine at all. It clashes with all my other thoughts and leaves me lost and trapped in my own head and heart. He planned and had time to think about what he was doing, he planned and carried out those plans more than once. He knew what he was doing meeting her and kissing her lips. He knew he would hurt me, why else would he have tried so hard to keep the truth from me? Was he selfish in his own needs and didn’t care? Did he ever once think that it was a bad idea? Did it ever hurt him to see what it was doing to me and our relationship? Did he ever think during the times I couldn’t sleep thinking it was me going crazy to be having these suspicions, crying my heart out… that he should tell me? Did he ever lose sleep over it? Did it ever make him sick to his stomach? Did it ever hurt to look into my eyes and kiss me knowing I wasn’t the only one? All these questions and no answers, and even if I had them how much more would those answers hurt? I know people make mistakes, people live in the moment, and people will go to the extremes out of fear. People fall into mistakes, me of all people know that, maybe every person takes and analyses their situations differently presenting different options and that’s why I cannot make sense of it. And maybe I have such a hard time believing it because it wasn’t my mistake but his. Because although I was scared to death with the talk of marriage, it still wasn’t my looming fear like I knew from day one it was his. Maybe no matter how hard I try to understand I cannot because I didn’t go through his past, through his marriage before me…that I have never been taken to those extremes in those contexts. All I can really know is that I was there to talk and maybe that’s not what he felt he needed… But why does it feel like I am making excuses for him? Maybe, to help my heart try and make sense of something that never will. It is just too hard to swallow, too hard to grasp and be understanding. It feels like a partial truth to me, like I don’t know how it all fits together no matter how much my frantic mind tries to force things together—I don’t think I want to know anymore. I cannot take anymore hurt; with how fragile I feel I am already so close to the point of no return.

Thinking about everything seems to do no good, I have tried to be strong and push forth. I am trying to understand and trust…trust when he says that he only wants a future with me and Kaylea. How many times before this incident has he said that? How many times did I blindly believe every word and hold it dear to my heart? It’s like a cruel joke that just will not stop repeating itself. Every thought is another attack to my crumbling barrier that I have made to protect me from being hurt. Does that wall ever become solid again or does it keep decaying until there is nothing left but a stranger to me crawling on blistered knees scared of my own shadow? And yet even though my wall is still weak, it still hasn’t broken down…something is still there holding key pieces together. There is hope, maybe that is the binder, but am I strong enough to put my trust and faith into it? I HOPE so, am trying harder than anyone could ever know…

I made a decision to stay in this relationship, I plan to give hope a chance. To give what hate muddled love I still have left for Ty to have a chance and thrive. Maybe I am fool, maybe I am doing more destruction to myself, and those are things left to be unseen. But, looking back I can say that I gave my first honest love everything even if it meant losing myself, because it feels right…it feels right to who I am. I am a lover and a dreamer trying to live with compassion in a world that may not deserve it; those are my essence…my roots of self discovery. I think to the brink of almost knowing Ty and I could be so much more than what we are/were, what we haven’t had a chance to be…maybe what he was not willing to let us be. But I have to try and I feel I deserve the chance to try and be happy again. I feel some day I can be as happy as I once was with Ty before…it was all sunshine, stomach butterflies, smiles and warmth with the faint smell of each other. Maybe, just maybe one day I will have it back…the true happiness I have looked for all my life and had finally found…had finally been able to except it was something I deserved. I have made my decision for my own reasons and will lie in the bed I have made regardless of the consequence.

But even though I have made my decision, no matter how bad the thoughts are something inside keeps telling me it is worth it. That through all the pain and suffering maybe I will get that chance at happiness. He held me last night after a long time and all I could think about was if this was how he held her, if the gentle kisses on my forehead, neck and back were mine anymore. All night I kept telling myself I did not want him to kiss me because I felt like it wasn’t just ours anymore that somehow it was hers as well. This morning, out of what I guess what might have been desperation to know we had a chance, that it wasn’t just all in hope—I kissed him over and over again until he was looking in my eyes trying?/making? love to me. The whole time I held back tears, because it was different…we had changed over the course of a day and night. That emotional connection was so faint I felt the need to stop him, to tell him I made a mistake, that it is wrong and degrading what left of me. But because there was something there, that feeling of being truly wanted and needed in more than a physical sense I never said anything but I am sure he saw it all play across my eyes. Although there was more repulsion in myself than actual pleasure I do not regret it now, I might later but for now it is still precious. It has changed and distorted from what I am familiar with but it was ours in those moments. Maybe our relationship has to change to make it all ours again maybe that old safe zone has to be reestablished through different experiences. Maybe in time we can be us again, maybe the kisses will stop hurting and be fully ours…maybe the laughter and confidence in what we are a part of will come back, is it too much to ask that maybe it will be stronger after this? In the end all I really have is a hope and a prayer from myself and a promise from Ty that his indecisions and fears are over—that they have been for months. I plan to make that enough…