*Written May 17th 2009


Where do I even begin to describe how I have felt the last couple of days, I went through a huge cascade of emotions in the last week but right now I feel content. I feel optimistic. I feel scared. But I feel happy.
Friday I came back home a nervous wreck, I know that I had missed Ty but for some reason I was worried everything would be awkward and that he might have even decided that our relationship wasn’t worth it. That maybe he was interested and talking with another girl, all night I stayed awake wondering if he was calling some other girl and falling asleep talking to her instead. It is not logical but being as scared as I am it wasn’t a stretch in my mind. How many nights did he message me while he was talking to another girl? Regardless of the thoughts my mind seems to like to dwell on, everything calmed down the minute I saw him Friday. I heard him pull into the driveway and the whole time I kept thinking about every bad thing imaginable, that maybe I should not start packing for the beach but pack to leave. As soon as he came up the stairs I turned my back from the door so I wouldn’t be looking at him when he walked in, I could feel his presence next to me, and there I was turning around to seeing his small beautiful smile. He held me close and looked deep in my eyes, I felt that he had really missed me the last couple of days and that maybe he went through just as bad of a time as I did trying to think everything out. Maybe he even had the same worries I did before he saw me? I practically melted on how he held me; it felt so good to be in his arms again being held tight like that like when we first met…I had butterflies racing around making my heart try to catch up with them. It was a hug, a simple hug but it told me a lot, made me feel a lot of things…mainly it verified I had made the right decision.

Saturday, was the day that did the most healing. The morning started being awoken to Ty kissing me, getting out of bed and then telling me to hurry and get dressed. Groggy, still tired but excited for whatever the day would bring I got out of bed even though I was wishing he would come back and make love to me while the sunshine was filtering through the slates in the blinds. It was going to be a beautiful day outside but I wanted to stay in that bed and be awoken to millions of kisses, I barely ever sleep longer than him and is it so wrong of me to have wanted that romantic moment as soon as I opened my eyes? He was making me coffee, well that’s not entirely true, he couldn’t find the coffee so he attempted to make this hot chocolate but then found the coffee later. As coffee was brewing somehow we ended back in the bedroom and he was making love to me. We went back outside and drank our coffee in the sunshine and that was the beginning of our day, not perfect but definitely one of our better mornings.

Afterward, he asked if I wanted to walk the beach, I love the beach and to me the beach is a special spot that is in a sense “ours” in my heart. We walked about a mile on the beach which brought us into town and he asked if I would like to get some breakfast with him. I thought this was cute because the way he smiled at me made me think that maybe he had planned this, maybe not but regardless it was really nice. We spent the rest of the day having sex and just spending time together, at one point we stopped into Tillamook to get supplies for our night. I was really excited because I constantly told him how much it would mean to me if we did certain things…

On the beach, Ty started a bonfire and we sat around it drink our Seven Hills Riesling just enjoying each others company, although I can honestly say I felt second to the fire…he kept going and fiddling with it so it took him almost an hour to actually sit down next to me. When the sun started to go down everything changed into this cloudy but beautiful pink sunset so we could watch as it set. I was sitting on a log by our fire enjoying it when Ty came behind me and held me tight…it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and experienced in my life. At that point I started to feel like everything would be ok with us. In most literature you read a journey usually starts the sea or ends there with a sense of fulfillment and understanding, salvation of sorts. I think that maybe ours was both, maybe it was the end of our relationship how it was before but it was the beginning of a new one, a better one. Call me a hopeless romantic or a foolish dreamer but every moment of that sunset seemed to make my decision to stay something I would not regret.

Soon Ty and I were left there in the dark around the fire, moving on to our second bottle of wine a piece when I couldn’t get the thought of grabbing a seashell and branding myself with it. Maybe it was to wake me up from this dream like state or maybe it was because I wanted to show I was committed to my decision, maybe it was I need him to commit a scar on his body for me…or maybe there was just too much intoxicating wine in my head. Thinking back on it I think it was all of the above and maybe even more…when I finally told him what was on my head I was shocked to hear that he thought we should both do it, on the inside of our left ankles (for the hand of marriage) right on the ankle bone. Him saying it and even using the side to signify marriage was almost too much for me, I figured he must really not be scared now because this was him committing to something…wasn’t the talk of marriage that got us here in the first place? Regardless we branded each other more than once, I moved when he branded me so I have a very large burn and will most likely scar in three of the four places he branded me. I only branded him twice, trying to hold down instead of dragging the shell, which I wish I would have done now because I feel he should have just as bad of a scar as I do. He may scar in one if not both of the brands but they just blistered instead of burning away layers of skin like mine. I am shocked that we did it, I still look at it today and wonder how I ever had the nerve to say it but then do it. At one point Ty asked me if I regretted it and I don’t…I may some day but I really don’t think that is true either. I gave Ty a piece of my flesh that night, I let him burn me which is one of my biggest fears…I let myself trust him in more than that aspect, I gave him trust that this is something that will be part of our future and not a scar I will regret someday. I am actually proud of myself, not just because of the brand and giving him trust he may or may not deserve but also giving this relationship so much of me. It feels like freedom to know I have done everything I can and that maybe this relationship is not fully in my hands like I used to, I used to think I could stop him from cheating and needing other women. Knowing I am only responsible for myself has made things easier in a sense…it hurts less to know I couldn’t stop what happened.

The next morning I woke up early to sunshine again, my head pounded and my ankle was on fire but I was happy. There lying next to me was the man I love suffering and sweating in the hot bedroom just like I was with half his body twined around mine. Although it was unpleasant it was also perfect, it made me realize that our relationship isn’t just me in a dream with a man i used to hold up like a god in my eyes…he was always so perfect and beautiful and now I saw a man who although is still beautiful…he is human. So given our current situation our morning wasn’t as story book romantic as it was the morning before, but it had something about it that was still just right, not overwhelming and not underwhelming but in the happy medium. We ate breakfast at the one corner cafe we have always made sure to go to at least one morning during our stay, Cow Belle Cafe. The cafe is not really much to look at, mismatched furniture a little out of date but it feels warm, cozy and familiar. The food is always wonderful and we always have the same waitress or her husband that remember and take care of us. It makes us feel like locals down there, it makes me feel welcome there. After breakfast I convinced Ty to grab a blanket and lay out on the beach with me, it was a gray misty morning, and there was hardly anyone on the beach. At first he didn’t seem to enjoy it for fear of how we would look, me being persistent to have another first together for the both of us made him lay with me. After we got settled on the warm sand and he was holding me I think he realized just how wonderful it was. While we laid there he teased me which I know is a sign of happiness for him and kissed looking into each other eyes until I started to get cold. I wanted to go back but he wanted to stay so he wrapped me up in his sweater and tried to warm me…at that moment I would have done anything to have a blanket in which we could have covered ourselves up and made love right there on the beach. One of my biggest dreams is that someday I will be made love to on the beach, I guess when the time is right it will happen.

Finally I was too cold that Ty held my hand as we walked back home together, talking about how enjoyable it was to lay on the beach with no one around, just the two of us. In the house he lit the candles I had bought for the weekend, turned the heater so I was warm and had me lay naked on the bed. He was planning to give me a massage with the new massage oil but things led into making love again and falling asleep in each other arms. It was one of those midday naps that you wake up feeling so refreshed and loved that you just want to close your eyes and do it again. It was wonderful..

Hours later we were driving back home even though we both did not want to leave, he had said he didn’t want to go home tonight and I admitted I wished he would call in work so we could have one more night of this perfectness. Unfortunately reality took hold and we understood as nice as that would be we just couldn’t. That night at home however, he did give me that massage he promised. To sum up the weekend it wasn’t anything like I planned, there are things I would have really liked to have happened but I think what we did have was beautiful and wonderful..things felt like they did in the beginning when were we so into each other that we couldn’t our hands off each other which I needed. I needed to feel wanted, that was one of the hard things about what happen between him and Elizabeth was that I didn’t feel needed or wanted anymore…that I was getting old and tiring and that it was time for him to move on…