Give me peace...give me sleep

**Written Wednesday January 20, 2010

The last few days have gone by in a slow continual pace that is aggravating. I have been waiting on this moment for over a year and now that it is almost here I just want to speed up time to give my mind some peace. I haven’t been sleeping much at all but then there are some days I cannot even seem to make myself wake up. It is so hard to wake up but even harder to go back to bed; my body is constantly fighting with what it needs to do. I have had insomnia before and I eventually got myself into a good sleeping pattern, all of a sudden I have seemed to have lost it. I am hoping that once Ty and I are fully moved in falling asleep in his arms will calm me down enough to relax and dream some beautiful dreams.
I find immense comfort in his big strong arms; they make me feel safe and loved. Like I am hidden away from all the evils of the world and can allow myself to be vulnerable…the kisses on the back of the neck he gives me seem to be the touch I have longed for in all my years. It is such a delicate and romantic touch that I feel he does out of the love he has for me. One time when we were falling asleep I asked him to tell me something wonderful to help me sleep, he told me he loved the way I reacted to his neck kisses because he could tell how loved they made me feel but also how much I loved him.
We sleep twisted around each other, touching in as many places as we can, it is something natural we have done since the first night we have been together. Its hard to describe how wonderful it feels to want another individual that close to you, breathing in the same dreams you breathe out and placing a small kiss on your face whenever they wake up in the middle of the night. I am so comforted by this ritual of going to bed that I will immediately find myself falling down the rabbit hole.
However in the last five months we have been living separately through our issues and break up and we have only had a handful of nights spent in each other’s arms. I believe it will be second nature again to just fall right back into sleep with him…I am hoping. Also I believe this stress will erase itself and we will both be able to distress. You have no idea how much I long for this right now…


"I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms"
- Snow Patrol "Set the fire to the third bar"

***Written January 13th 2010

Many people have asked if i think its a wise decision moving in with Ty and i have to say i truly feel it is. Ty is at a point where he finally is putting all the barriers and bullshit aside. Before our relationship only went as far as he wanted it to because of how things were with Sara (his ex wife). When me and Ty first met he told me he didn't think he would ever get married again. Every time Ty started to know he would have to commit he rebelled doing things and tried not love me because loving me meant being vulnerable and being able to be hurt. He has told me twice in the last week he has never given anyone this much control and paying attention to needs as he is me and in the past Sara. When he tells me i can hear it in his voice that he is scared but he is FINALLY making that jump. He initiated us getting a house together and he has continually trying to take care of me and my emotions. Things are different and seem more relaxed in the relationship as a whole. Although these last couple of weeks there has been quite a bit of fighting about the move...more or so that the stress gets to the point we start freaking out on each other because we are both scared shitless. We both want this move and definitely feel its time but there is so much to do it can be a stress overload. He came down over the weekend and all we could talk about was the house, laying in my bed saying "i wish we were at our house right now and this didn't have to end". Its wonderful, i just hope the first two months don't kill us too bad.

Reaching to higher ground

***Written January6th 2010

Well its official: me and Ty got the townhouse and are looking to be moved in by the end of the month but shooting on the weekend of the 23rd. I have to admit i am scared shitless, we have lived together before but it was different and i am not sure how to explain it. Mostly we won't be under the umbrella of his very controlling and manipulating mother which i must say is a huge sigh of relief. I don't doubt that this move is not only long over due but going to strengthen our relationship. Its ironic though to think this is something i wanted for so long when Ty's heart wasn't really into and now the roles have reversed and Ty is the one making all the frantic efforts to make things perfect and i am just reassessing if i am ready for this now. It has nothing to do with not wanting to live with him and starting a family its more of the fact that all of sudden i am getting what i have been wishing for and is he finally ready for it? My biggest fear would be to either have our relationship fall apart due to financial stress or him realizing he wasn't ready for the next step...i would hate to think of this as his last stitch effort to fix all that he has made wrong in this relationship because he knows its what i want. Before his mom was ALWAYS around checking up on us, throwing rules around and treating Kaylea (Ty's daughter) as though she was the mother and then pawning her off when she didn't want the headache...it was so bad she wouldn't let Ty take Kaylea to her first day of kindergarten and he just let her because he didn't want to deal with her. Through all of that and then being gone for sometimes 3-4nights a week even though i lived there it wasn't a permanent thing i guess. Now i will be stepping into the shoes of a "mother" full-time, a house "wife" full-time...spending every night laying next to him. Things before that were out of the question with him due to not being ready is all of a sudden something he is excited about, moving in to somewhere his mother doesn't control, getting a joint bank account, and signing a lease together. You wouldn't believe how big of a difference it is, and i realized how we were living before was ok with him because there was no commitment to me...and now its all there. It makes me scared because two months ago he was ready to end this relationship and then after a week of being single is ready to turn his life around and make some major decisions, it amazes me and makes me excited but it also makes me hesitant. Its like walking on a frozen pond hoping its thick enough ice to hold your weight, it would make your life easier but is it the right direction to go? I know its what i want and i am going to go for it but i am scared, i figure that if this relationship is going to end over anything at least i went out fighting for what i wanted and believed in.

"I will buy you a new life...perfect shiny and new"

***Written December 21st 2009

i have re-fallen in love with Ty like i felt when we first got together. Its been hard in the trust department but i keep thinking maybe that break was what it finally took for both of us to straighten up (in different aspects of course)and go after what we want, which is the relationship to be a happy one and an honest one. We have been spending quite a lot more time as a family and appreciating the time that we do get to see of each other. Calls and communication are more frequent and not so forced as it was towards the end of our relationship. Life seems to be coming together smoothly and with more of a solid foundation.

As of currently, Ty and i have decided to move back together in January as soon as the townhouse we have decided on is finished being remodeled. That could be as early as January first and as late as the third week of January, seems kinda scary to be making that leap again but i know its what i want. Last time we ended up moving in together out of his mother pressuring us together but she was always there. Now we finally be moving out together in a new place for all three of us (me, Ty, and his daughter Kaylea). His mother will not be allowed at the house unless we decide to invite her which believe me, will not be often on both of our behalves. Ty is the one pushing for the move in and at least now i really feel like he wants to make a family together instead of him just having a girlfriend live with him. He has also talked about engagement and a kid as a fairly (1-2 years) near goal. This is exactly the opposite of how he truly felt before hand. I used to have to pry out things from him and that maybe he said before because i wanted to hear it, now this is all stuff he now talks openly in front of friends and family and gets excited about on his own. Its hard to describe the difference...

Beginning of the end, or the end of a beginning?

***Written November 2nd 2009

After taking a week of breaking down constantly and wondering why, i got a call...it was Ty. I expected him to be vicious and mean or that he was even trying to call another girl and accidentally called me, it was two in the morning and i was still at a Halloween party. He told me he wanted the chance to try and make it work, that he wanted to see me the next day. So i went yesterday and we talked and it seems that maybe this break up and away time made him realize he had what he wants. Maybe this time things will work, and if it doesn't i now know i am strong enough to heal and move on.

Our first date took place next to the river: its where we had our first picnic, our first kiss, our first time looking at the stars... Its where we broke up and re-began...

The End

***Written October 25th 2009

So after a year and almost a half of dedicating myself to one man and one man only, being cheated on three times and just being through hell it is finally over. And despite how much pain he put me through there was so much good that is just haunting me right now. I miss him and i feel almost frantic without him but somewhere i have to tell myself i will be ok. Its hard when virtually any place or anything i own reminds me of him, i can't even go to work without people asking me about him. They all got to know him and seeing us together. My favorite places are now tainted with those memories with him. He still sleeps on my bed that i haven't picked up from his house yet....

I was still going to take him back after finding out he just started talking to another woman, we were making it work and then all of a sudden yesterday he takes me out for breakfast and told me he doesn't think we are good for each other for the fact we bring out the bad in each other. Maybe it brought out the bad in him but i was happy for a really long time. He broke down crying the whole time telling me he wanted us but he didn't think it would work. He apologized so much for hurting me, and that made everything hurt even more. Right now i am a wreck.