Reaching to higher ground

***Written January6th 2010

Well its official: me and Ty got the townhouse and are looking to be moved in by the end of the month but shooting on the weekend of the 23rd. I have to admit i am scared shitless, we have lived together before but it was different and i am not sure how to explain it. Mostly we won't be under the umbrella of his very controlling and manipulating mother which i must say is a huge sigh of relief. I don't doubt that this move is not only long over due but going to strengthen our relationship. Its ironic though to think this is something i wanted for so long when Ty's heart wasn't really into and now the roles have reversed and Ty is the one making all the frantic efforts to make things perfect and i am just reassessing if i am ready for this now. It has nothing to do with not wanting to live with him and starting a family its more of the fact that all of sudden i am getting what i have been wishing for and is he finally ready for it? My biggest fear would be to either have our relationship fall apart due to financial stress or him realizing he wasn't ready for the next step...i would hate to think of this as his last stitch effort to fix all that he has made wrong in this relationship because he knows its what i want. Before his mom was ALWAYS around checking up on us, throwing rules around and treating Kaylea (Ty's daughter) as though she was the mother and then pawning her off when she didn't want the headache...it was so bad she wouldn't let Ty take Kaylea to her first day of kindergarten and he just let her because he didn't want to deal with her. Through all of that and then being gone for sometimes 3-4nights a week even though i lived there it wasn't a permanent thing i guess. Now i will be stepping into the shoes of a "mother" full-time, a house "wife" full-time...spending every night laying next to him. Things before that were out of the question with him due to not being ready is all of a sudden something he is excited about, moving in to somewhere his mother doesn't control, getting a joint bank account, and signing a lease together. You wouldn't believe how big of a difference it is, and i realized how we were living before was ok with him because there was no commitment to me...and now its all there. It makes me scared because two months ago he was ready to end this relationship and then after a week of being single is ready to turn his life around and make some major decisions, it amazes me and makes me excited but it also makes me hesitant. Its like walking on a frozen pond hoping its thick enough ice to hold your weight, it would make your life easier but is it the right direction to go? I know its what i want and i am going to go for it but i am scared, i figure that if this relationship is going to end over anything at least i went out fighting for what i wanted and believed in.